Struckout

by Struckout

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released July 20, 2018

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Postmark Records San Diego, California

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Track Name: Scratch
I want this to last
To be something that I can tap into
To use it for a moment
And build something to keep us safe

But it’s always creeping at the back of my mind
Am I breathing life into something that died?
I don’t trust my taste to heal myself
I don’t trust the sound of guitars for a second

But this is all I’ve ever bothered to become
I sacrificed every aspect of me
Because I thought it would “set me free”
Or whatever the fuck that means

There was nothing there when I finished
Just exhaustion, no completion
Good thing I didn’t waste years of my life, right?

Here’s to a sign of violence
Anything to keep us alive
When nothing else can protect us
And nothing else will open their eyes

I remember the sound of his tinny guitar
I remember the frost covered morning of San Jose
The first basement show in California
Aw man, I thought it was fucking wild

This is a useless gathering of ineffectual noise
But it’s pretty fucking cool, right?
Don’t confuse it for something else
Don’t mess it up for me, man

Play it loud

I took the words you yelled
Wove them into my bones
My message of worth in this world
The only worth I’ve ever known

Can’t be the only safety, but we’re alive
We keep moving
A sound cannot fight a war
But it will heal me, so I can

A love I don’t deserve, I give in
A love that needs to grow, I give in
Track Name: Tell Me You Feel The Same
There’s a safety in the pain I feel
No need to shake or be woken up
I’ve got a numbing medicine, a lie
The only way I’ve managed to stay up
Is by stating that this constant safety crushing nature’s enough

The lie continues to grow each time I have to justify
The hours I have to give, 45 or more no longer mine
“Oh I need this, I’ll never make rent
Yeah it pays well, no one means it when they
But it’s a coffin, with benefits too
Who needs teeth when you’re losing the will to live?”

I still feel a bitterness for things I think I deserve
But I’m making more space in my heart for things I can hold
And I see the beauty inside those I love
It’s pouring out of their fingertips
What I’d give for a less selfish thought
What I’d give to be more loving and open

Take a step back for a second
Just admire the good you see
There’s so little of it left
It could leave, it could leave

I’ve lost all shame of sentimentality
Whatever little was left is slowly eroding away
Work has made every moment precious
I’m starved for time and air around you
I mean, I don’t need all your time
I’m just saying it could be a little better

I see every moment spread out
One single sweeping blessing
All of ours to share
Tell me you feel the same

I’m on the periphery of so many lives, in and out
Not long enough to really hear their problems
But just long enough to say “I hope you feel alright”
Just a gesture; I wish I could give more
I turn over the memories of the people in my life like a finger trap
I see my friends in them
I see them slipping through my fingers like tiny translucent crawfish
I run over the handful of conversations I had
I think about what I would’ve said

“It would’ve been fine”

If you stay living the way you are
Memory gives way
People start to sink
I can’t let them go

If you stay the way you are
It’ll crush you heart
I will always change
Do you feel the same?
Track Name: Don't Translate; Adapt
Clear vision shows when I close my eyes
Calloused hands burning
But I feel it’s all I can do to forget
My clothes are blood red
Every joy brought by plastic feels like a lie
It weighs too much

All the light comes out too bright, it’s wrong
Lost in thought that spirals into view
All the sound comes out too loud, it’s wrong
And I did nothing
I let it bloom

Anyone for solutions? It’s well-trod ground
And I don’t think I can help
So no language, no tools I’ve got are useful to me
We are the blood
There should be power there
But we just pour out and keep pouring

All the light comes out too bright, it’s wrong
Lost in thought that spirals into view
All the sound comes out too loud, it’s wrong
They’ll get away with it
With everything they do"
Track Name: Queer Shit
It still sucks that part of me feels off
It's just that I've always been waiting to come in
I've gotten awful close to being sickened by my own mind
It all comes with being a good Catholic, still part of my design

But I've cut every tie
Or almost anyway
Good thing I never sought to hurt
Just said some stupid shit
I regret it

Thank you for not letting me eat out my insides
To tributes and ideas of what it means to be alright
A stilted conversation
A fragile sense of being
But a handful of confetti is all I really need

So this is what it feels like to be completely whole
To just be alright
I see my insides burning without a conversation
But I got the chance
I have you to thank for that

So thanks

So scared to say

I come out
Track Name: Accrued Vacation Days (Daniel Listens To Krautrock Once)
What is your worth on any given day?
A little lie to keep you alive?
I move a table six inches to the left of me
I move a table six inches to the right
Every moment in my life has come to this
A motion completely meaningless
Won’t something give me the will?
Is there some truth to keep me alive?

It takes hold here, if you let it
Stays inside you, are you breathing?
Lack of any motion or static
It takes hold here

What is your worth on any given day?
A little lie to keep you alive?
I move a table six inches to the left of me
I move a table six inches to the right
And the ground swells underneath my feet
In a thousand years, there’s nothing here
I found comfort in an empty lot
A pile of refuse in place of my life

But it’s not coming, not in time
No clear exits, not for us
Second slow to hours inside here
It’s not coming

I will give you all my worth when you make me want to feel alive

What is your worth on any given day?
A little truth to keep you alive?
I drive sixty miles east of here
I drive sixty miles to survive
And it’s an empty room I play to
A noise that falls on deaf ears
But there’s no place I’d rather be
And nothing else keeping me alive

It takes hold here, if you let it
Sound and color, a little peace
It takes hold here, sound and color
Gain all meaning

Shotgunned, folded up
I decide the misery I put myself in

If there’s a cut on my arm, I put it there
If there’s blood on my lips, I made them bleed
The only pain I have is the only pain I allow
Because I want it
Track Name: Polaroid Pt. II
I’m done with self-pity
Onto my safety, my identity
I’m trying my best to carry a conversation and listen well
Sometimes I lose sight
But I’ll always show empathy
I can wound
But I’m so ready to help
Ready to hear the ways I’m wrong

It all looks pretty fucking bleak
But it’s been that way
Yeah it’s been there
Taking solace in the things I have
The love around me
Keeping abreast of every piece of information
Everything
My mental health is like lifting weights
And I’m so out of shape

This is just apathy
I can’t get you to move
How can I get you to mobilize?
I’ve got no political prowess
No knowledge of anything
I just want to hurt as few people as possible
It can’t be done
But I can try
We all have to keep trying

I can feel the pull of stopping
Licking like a flame
I can hear them in the back of shows
At the emptiest bars
“Oh, I remember when he was good.”
Well, how did I play?
Did I play like this?
Can you show me?

Face down
Open
Exhausted
Cynical
Yet earnest I swear
Every bit of me is honest
Depending on the day
I see this flourishing or coming to an end
You were right though
I’m fine
How are you?

I might not survive
Don’t block it out
Keep moving
Track Name: I Kind Of Think Emo Music Is Fucking Pointless
Have you been keeping all your time?
So deep inside your chest
I can see years pushing themselves out just behind your eyes

Every memory runs circles in your mind
What’s worse, just the numbing feeling?
Or a sharp sting in your chest?

Have you tried every exercise?
A perfect key into the slot, a nice bow on a life

But it just turns to grey and black
Sweat and lie awake for hours, just like me

Now I spend half my time searching for a salve
I’ve got lightning on the interstate
A little something to keep me around
Now I spend half my time searching for a salve
I’ve got bookshelves filled with memories
A little something to keep me around

Where were you in October?
A lukewarm California fall wraps its hands around your throat

A cold ringing in my hand
It plays again and again
This isn’t funny, it isn’t funny

And what a terrible drive
Every time I closed my eyes I saw the worst things

You’ve always wanted the perfect song about you
Well this is it, do you like it?

Now I spend half my time searching for a salve
I’ve got lightning on the interstate
A little something to keep me around
Now I spend half my time searching for a salve
But I’ve got the weight of art around me
A little something to keep me around

Now I spend half my life searching for a salve
I’ve got hours of conversation, love and warmth
Now I spend half my time searching for a salve
I’ve found enough, I can almost see yours

And I’ll never pretend like I could ever understand
It’d be an insult to you and your intelligence
But I need you to get up when we finish, just like I did
Every time I never told you

I know how these conversations go
But I’d have them a thousand times if it meant we kept you
And if you ever forget what you’re worth
I’ll remind you until my throat is raw

Get in the car
I promise I’ll forget this if you just make it through one more day
It’ll be alright
I promise I’ll forget it
Track Name: We've Tried Nothing And We're All Out Of Ideas
Glad I could afford the silence
Freedom from everything lets me do nothing
Well, what you don’t do can come back to kill
I can’t be a good citizen and no one should

Don’t ask to stand still

So you’re not what you wanted to be
Spinning radiant, glowing with everyone’s envy
Well, if this is it, what was the spectacle for?
No, you’re nothing, and that’s okay

Sharpen your weapons

There is an old shape rattling at the frames
It speaks of land taken and discard bodies
Every bit of ruth is shaking me awake
And I see the worst of what can be in humanity

Stay safe

She speaks with conviction and knowledge of this truth
She’s been right with every note so far
I look for ways to set myself aside
The least we could do is listen to the line she’s drawn in the sand

I don’t do enough
But it stops now

Sí ella sin dudas me dice que está sufriendo
Solo la puedo creer

Nos estan matando

I am a piece of fabric
A thread from the cloth
But I’ve lived
I’ve lived

You are a piece of fabric
A thread from the cloth
But you’ve lived
You’ve lived

You can be so strong
I know it, I’ve seen it
And if you can make it just one more day
You’ll have possibilities and a story to tell

I can see your light
It has worth and it’s all ours
And I know
I know you’re strong

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