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Struckout

by Struckout

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1.
Scratch 02:54
I want this to last To be something that I can tap into To use it for a moment And build something to keep us safe But it’s always creeping at the back of my mind Am I breathing life into something that died? I don’t trust my taste to heal myself I don’t trust the sound of guitars for a second But this is all I’ve ever bothered to become I sacrificed every aspect of me Because I thought it would “set me free” Or whatever the fuck that means There was nothing there when I finished Just exhaustion, no completion Good thing I didn’t waste years of my life, right? Here’s to a sign of violence Anything to keep us alive When nothing else can protect us And nothing else will open their eyes I remember the sound of his tinny guitar I remember the frost covered morning of San Jose The first basement show in California Aw man, I thought it was fucking wild This is a useless gathering of ineffectual noise But it’s pretty fucking cool, right? Don’t confuse it for something else Don’t mess it up for me, man Play it loud I took the words you yelled Wove them into my bones My message of worth in this world The only worth I’ve ever known Can’t be the only safety, but we’re alive We keep moving A sound cannot fight a war But it will heal me, so I can A love I don’t deserve, I give in A love that needs to grow, I give in
2.
There’s a safety in the pain I feel No need to shake or be woken up I’ve got a numbing medicine, a lie The only way I’ve managed to stay up Is by stating that this constant safety crushing nature’s enough The lie continues to grow each time I have to justify The hours I have to give, 45 or more no longer mine “Oh I need this, I’ll never make rent Yeah it pays well, no one means it when they But it’s a coffin, with benefits too Who needs teeth when you’re losing the will to live?” I still feel a bitterness for things I think I deserve But I’m making more space in my heart for things I can hold And I see the beauty inside those I love It’s pouring out of their fingertips What I’d give for a less selfish thought What I’d give to be more loving and open Take a step back for a second Just admire the good you see There’s so little of it left It could leave, it could leave I’ve lost all shame of sentimentality Whatever little was left is slowly eroding away Work has made every moment precious I’m starved for time and air around you I mean, I don’t need all your time I’m just saying it could be a little better I see every moment spread out One single sweeping blessing All of ours to share Tell me you feel the same I’m on the periphery of so many lives, in and out Not long enough to really hear their problems But just long enough to say “I hope you feel alright” Just a gesture; I wish I could give more I turn over the memories of the people in my life like a finger trap I see my friends in them I see them slipping through my fingers like tiny translucent crawfish I run over the handful of conversations I had I think about what I would’ve said “It would’ve been fine” If you stay living the way you are Memory gives way People start to sink I can’t let them go If you stay the way you are It’ll crush you heart I will always change Do you feel the same?
3.
Clear vision shows when I close my eyes Calloused hands burning But I feel it’s all I can do to forget My clothes are blood red Every joy brought by plastic feels like a lie It weighs too much All the light comes out too bright, it’s wrong Lost in thought that spirals into view All the sound comes out too loud, it’s wrong And I did nothing I let it bloom Anyone for solutions? It’s well-trod ground And I don’t think I can help So no language, no tools I’ve got are useful to me We are the blood There should be power there But we just pour out and keep pouring All the light comes out too bright, it’s wrong Lost in thought that spirals into view All the sound comes out too loud, it’s wrong They’ll get away with it With everything they do"
4.
Queer Shit 03:58
It still sucks that part of me feels off It's just that I've always been waiting to come in I've gotten awful close to being sickened by my own mind It all comes with being a good Catholic, still part of my design But I've cut every tie Or almost anyway Good thing I never sought to hurt Just said some stupid shit I regret it Thank you for not letting me eat out my insides To tributes and ideas of what it means to be alright A stilted conversation A fragile sense of being But a handful of confetti is all I really need So this is what it feels like to be completely whole To just be alright I see my insides burning without a conversation But I got the chance I have you to thank for that So thanks So scared to say I come out
5.
What is your worth on any given day? A little lie to keep you alive? I move a table six inches to the left of me I move a table six inches to the right Every moment in my life has come to this A motion completely meaningless Won’t something give me the will? Is there some truth to keep me alive? It takes hold here, if you let it Stays inside you, are you breathing? Lack of any motion or static It takes hold here What is your worth on any given day? A little lie to keep you alive? I move a table six inches to the left of me I move a table six inches to the right And the ground swells underneath my feet In a thousand years, there’s nothing here I found comfort in an empty lot A pile of refuse in place of my life But it’s not coming, not in time No clear exits, not for us Second slow to hours inside here It’s not coming I will give you all my worth when you make me want to feel alive What is your worth on any given day? A little truth to keep you alive? I drive sixty miles east of here I drive sixty miles to survive And it’s an empty room I play to A noise that falls on deaf ears But there’s no place I’d rather be And nothing else keeping me alive It takes hold here, if you let it Sound and color, a little peace It takes hold here, sound and color Gain all meaning Shotgunned, folded up I decide the misery I put myself in If there’s a cut on my arm, I put it there If there’s blood on my lips, I made them bleed The only pain I have is the only pain I allow Because I want it
6.
I’m done with self-pity Onto my safety, my identity I’m trying my best to carry a conversation and listen well Sometimes I lose sight But I’ll always show empathy I can wound But I’m so ready to help Ready to hear the ways I’m wrong It all looks pretty fucking bleak But it’s been that way Yeah it’s been there Taking solace in the things I have The love around me Keeping abreast of every piece of information Everything My mental health is like lifting weights And I’m so out of shape This is just apathy I can’t get you to move How can I get you to mobilize? I’ve got no political prowess No knowledge of anything I just want to hurt as few people as possible It can’t be done But I can try We all have to keep trying I can feel the pull of stopping Licking like a flame I can hear them in the back of shows At the emptiest bars “Oh, I remember when he was good.” Well, how did I play? Did I play like this? Can you show me? Face down Open Exhausted Cynical Yet earnest I swear Every bit of me is honest Depending on the day I see this flourishing or coming to an end You were right though I’m fine How are you? I might not survive Don’t block it out Keep moving
7.
Have you been keeping all your time? So deep inside your chest I can see years pushing themselves out just behind your eyes Every memory runs circles in your mind What’s worse, just the numbing feeling? Or a sharp sting in your chest? Have you tried every exercise? A perfect key into the slot, a nice bow on a life But it just turns to grey and black Sweat and lie awake for hours, just like me Now I spend half my time searching for a salve I’ve got lightning on the interstate A little something to keep me around Now I spend half my time searching for a salve I’ve got bookshelves filled with memories A little something to keep me around Where were you in October? A lukewarm California fall wraps its hands around your throat A cold ringing in my hand It plays again and again This isn’t funny, it isn’t funny And what a terrible drive Every time I closed my eyes I saw the worst things You’ve always wanted the perfect song about you Well this is it, do you like it? Now I spend half my time searching for a salve I’ve got lightning on the interstate A little something to keep me around Now I spend half my time searching for a salve But I’ve got the weight of art around me A little something to keep me around Now I spend half my life searching for a salve I’ve got hours of conversation, love and warmth Now I spend half my time searching for a salve I’ve found enough, I can almost see yours And I’ll never pretend like I could ever understand It’d be an insult to you and your intelligence But I need you to get up when we finish, just like I did Every time I never told you I know how these conversations go But I’d have them a thousand times if it meant we kept you And if you ever forget what you’re worth I’ll remind you until my throat is raw Get in the car I promise I’ll forget this if you just make it through one more day It’ll be alright I promise I’ll forget it
8.
Glad I could afford the silence Freedom from everything lets me do nothing Well, what you don’t do can come back to kill I can’t be a good citizen and no one should Don’t ask to stand still So you’re not what you wanted to be Spinning radiant, glowing with everyone’s envy Well, if this is it, what was the spectacle for? No, you’re nothing, and that’s okay Sharpen your weapons There is an old shape rattling at the frames It speaks of land taken and discard bodies Every bit of ruth is shaking me awake And I see the worst of what can be in humanity Stay safe She speaks with conviction and knowledge of this truth She’s been right with every note so far I look for ways to set myself aside The least we could do is listen to the line she’s drawn in the sand I don’t do enough But it stops now Sí ella sin dudas me dice que está sufriendo Solo la puedo creer Nos estan matando I am a piece of fabric A thread from the cloth But I’ve lived I’ve lived You are a piece of fabric A thread from the cloth But you’ve lived You’ve lived You can be so strong I know it, I’ve seen it And if you can make it just one more day You’ll have possibilities and a story to tell I can see your light It has worth and it’s all ours And I know I know you’re strong

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released July 20, 2018

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